Come Together
by Plungerpal
Summary: An original one act play that tells the story of an unsigned rock band's struggle to get a record deal. Constructive criticism would be apprecated, I uploaded it to this site in order to workshop the script. I'm hoping this play will be performed Sept. 09
1. Preface

PREFACE

Okay so this is my first submission to this site since grade 7, and my first piece of original material uploaded ever.

This play was written with the intention of being submitted for my school's One Act showcase this September. In order to be approved for performance, the play must meet the approval of professor Judith Thompson.. For those unfamiliar with Canadian theatre, Judith Thompson is one of the most successful Canadian playwrights alive. She's a member of the Order of Canada, and several of her plays have been turned into movies.

Because of who this script is being submitted to, I would like as much feedback as possible. Constructive criticism is both welcome and encouraged. If something does not make sense within the script, please let me know.

Thanks,

Marc


	2. Come Together

NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS

By Marc Rivest

CHARACTERS

JOHN, a guitarist. Dedicated to music.

CHRIS, a bassist. Naive, yet stubborn.

NEIL, a drummer. Optimistic and loyal.

COURTNEY, Chris' girlfriend. Very promiscuous.

SPIDER, Chris' replacement. Drug-addled but a talented musician.

SCENE 1

_Curtain. Setting: the basement rehearsal room of an unsigned rock band. An electronic drum kit is located upstage centre, and two amps sit upstage left and right. Each amp has a water bottle resting on it. Two doors are located on ether side of the stage. The door stage left leads upstairs, the door stage right leads to a bathroom. A guitar rests on a stand by the door SL, and a bass guitar by the door SL. Enter_ _JOHN, CHRIS, and NEIL_. _JOHN_ _picks up the guitar stage left, CHRIS picks up the bass SR, and NEIL sits behind the drum kit. They start playing a song (If the actors do not actually play their instruments, they can mime to a track). Suddenly, CHRIS screams in frustration._

CHRIS: Shit!

NEIL: What's wrong?

CHRIS: I broke a string.

JOHN: So? Don't you have extras?

CHRIS: Do you have any idea how expensive bass strings are?

JOHN: Dude, musician rule number one: 'always carry extra strings'.

CHRIS: I thought musician rule number one was 'don't be a dick to your bandmates'.

JOHN: How am I being a dick? Breaking a string means we can't practice!

CHRIS: Practice for what? We've been playing for empty clubs for a month!

JOHN: Even if nobody's in the audience, a show is a show! Once upon a time Zeppelin played for empty clubs.

CHRIS: Still, if we want a record deal, we need to start bringing in bigger crowds!

_JOHN and CHRIS begin loudly arguing. NEIL tries to intervene, but they ignore him. NEIL begins hitting his cymbals as hard as he can to get their attention._

NEIL: Both of you, stop it! I might have an extra string upstairs, which one did you break?

CHRIS: The E string.

NEIL: Okay.

_NEIL exits stage left. Long awkward pause. JOHN goes to his amp and begins to drink from the water bottle. CHRIS' cell phone rings._

CHRIS: (on the phone) Hello? Oh, hey Courtney.

JOHN: (chokes on his water) Courtney?!

CHRIS: (ignoring John) Not much, just at band practice. Not too well, I just broke a string, Neil's looking for another one upstairs. Yeah he's here. Sure, I'll tell him. (covers receiver of the phone) Courtney says hi. (JOHN waves sarcastically). Anyway, Neil will be back soon, so I have to go. I'll talk to you later. Love you too. (hangs up)

JOHN: You're still with Courtney? Dude, that girl is bad news.

CHRIS: And how would you know?

JOHN: Didn't you see her at Neil's birthday party?

CHRIS: I passed out early. You knew that. You drew on my face, remember?

JOHN: (chuckles) Oh yeah. But anyway, Courtney tried to make out with every guy there, and even a few girls. How can you still be with her after that?

CHRIS: Just because someone drinks a little too much one night and does something stupid doesn't mean that they can't be forgiven.

JOHN: Chris, she was the DD that night.

_Before CHRIS can respond, NEIL comes running into the room._

NEIL: Guys! Guys! Guys! Huge news!

CHRIS: Did you find an extra string?

NEIL: That can wait. Before practice, I forgot to turn off the radio upstairs, and while I was looking for a string, the radio said that Club Plastique is having a Battle of the Bands!

CHRIS: Come on Neil, Plastique's Battles of the Bands always suck. Their prizes are lame.

JOHN: Chris is right. We don't need any more HMV gift certificates.

NEIL: This one's different. Sonic Cucumber is sponsoring it. They're giving away a record deal as first prize.

JOHN: Holy shit! Really?

NEIL: Really.

JOHN: How do we sign up?

NEIL: We need to submit a 5-song demo by Friday..

CHRIS: Do we still have our demo from the show at the Metro?

NEIL: I think so. If not, we can just pull 5 of our songs off our Myspace. We'll be fine.

CHRIS: Well let's get rehearsing then!

JOHN: Wait, if we're serious about this show, we need 100% focus from all 3 of us. That means no outside distractions during practice. No cell phones, no observers, nothing to distract us. Agreed?

NEIL: Agreed.

_Pause._

CHRIS: Agreed.

END SCENE

SCENE 2

_3 weeks before the Battle of the Bands. JOHN and NEIL are waiting for CHRIS to show up to practice. JOHN is leaning against the wall by the SL door. NEIL is seated behind his drum kit._

JOHN: Where the hell is Chris?

NEIL: (looking at his watch) I don't know, but he's 20 minutes late. Call his cell.

JOHN: I don't have my phone, we agreed not to bring them to practice.

_Enter CHRIS. He is hand in hand with COURTNEY._

CHRIS: (taking off his coat) Hey guys, sorry I'm late.

COURTNEY: Neil, where's your bathroom?

NEIL: It's right through that door but why are you- (gets cut off)

COURTNEY: Great! (To CHRIS) I'll be right back babe.

_COURTNEY kisses CHRIS on the cheek and exits SR._

JOHN: Chris, what the hell!? We agreed to take practice seriously from now on. What's she doing here?

CHRIS: I tried to ditch her but she wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.

JOHN: Oh come on! That's bull-

_JOHN is interrupted by a loud fart from the bathroom._

COURTNEY: Oh God that felt good!

JOHN: Seriously, you're wasting your time with a girl like *that*?

CHRIS: Look I'm sorry, but we can either waste even more time arguing about this or we can start practicing. We need as much practice as we can get.

NEIL: Chris is right, John. The sooner we start practicing the sooner we'll be ready for this show.

JOHN: Fine, but she stays quiet or she leaves.

CHRIS: Deal.

_The band begins performing a song. Shortly before the guitar solo, COURTNEY_ _enters, but is unnoticed by the band. Her eyes remain fixed on JOHN for the rest of the song._

NEIL: Wow, if we play like that, that record deal is ours!

JOHN: Never count your eggs before they hatch. We still have 3 weeks before the show.

CHRIS: 3 weeks? That just gives us time to get even better.

NEIL: Fucking right! What do you guys say to a smoke break?

JOHN: A smoke break? We've only practiced one song!

NEIL: But look how great it went. We deserve a cigarette.

JOHN: Okay, but I'm going to stay here. I missed the pinch harmonic during the fifth bar of the solo. I need to get that pinch harmonic down.

CHRIS: Suit yourself.

_NEIL and CHRIS exit SL. CHRIS forgets his jacket. JOHN begins practicing his solo. His back is to COURTNEY, who sneaks up on him and grabs his waist._

COURTNEY: Boo!

JOHN: (turning around quickly) Jesus Courtney, keep your hands to yourself!

COURTNEY: I can't help it, that solo was too good!

JOHN: Uh, thanks...I guess.

COURTNEY: You know, you're always the one I watch when you guys play.

JOHN: What about Chris?

COURTNEY: He's okay, I guess. But he's a bass player.

JOHN: What's wrong with bass players?

COURTNEY: They're so stiff on stage. Especially Chris. And he always looks so disinterested. Bored even. Sometimes I wonder if he's even trying. (Starts getting closer to JOHN, who begins backing away). I like it better when my musicians move around. Like you. You've got energy when you play. I love the way you finger your solos. It makes me...excited.

JOHN: But his instrument is bigger!

COURTNEY: It's not the size that matters, it's what you do with it.

_COURTNEY grabs JOHN and kisses him passionately. During the kiss, CHRIS enters from SL. He sees them and stops dead in his tracks._

CHRIS: *ahem* I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

COURTNEY: Chris, what are you doing here?

CHRIS: I forgot my jacket. What the hell is going on?

JOHN: (crossing to CHRIS) Chris, I can explain.

CHRIS: I don't want to hear it.

JOHN: But it's not what it looks like!

CHRIS: Yeah right. This is what it looks like: I quit.

_Lights fade down._

END SCENE

SCENE 3

_2 weeks before the Battle of the Bands. JOHN and NEIL are holding auditions for CHRIS' replacement. JOHN is standing by the SL door, waving to an offstage auditionee. NEIL is seated behind his kit_.

JOHN: Thanks, we'll let you know. (closes door) He was even worse than the last guy.

NEIL: Well the show's in 2 weeks. Maybe we should just become a 2-man band.

JOHN: A band isn't a band without a bass player

NEIL: But lots of bands don't have a bass player. Look at the Doors.

JOHN: True, but the Doors had a keyboard player to compensate for it.

NEIL: Fine, what about the White Stripes?

JOHN: They're not a band, they're a solo project.

NEIL: That's not true. Meg White's their drummer. She's a full member of the band.

JOHN: Meg White can hardly be considered a drummer. A monkey could play her beats.

NEIL: Good point. Anyway how many more auditions do we have this afternoon?

JOHN: We've got 2 more. (A knock is heard at the door) That must be the next one.

_JOHN goes to open the door and finds COURTNEY standing there_

JOHN: What are you doing here?

COURTNEY: Since Chris quit, I figured you guys would need a new bass player. And who better than me?

JOHN: Anyone's better than you. It's your fault there's an opening in the first place.

COURTNEY: Oh come on, it takes 2 people to kiss.

JOHN: You grabbed me!

COURTNEY: Don't pretend you didn't like it.

JOHN: I didn't!

COURTNEY: Oh don't be like this. You have an opening in your band, and I want to fill it. And maybe after I fill your opening, you can fill mine.

JOHN: That's it, get out!

_JOHN forces COURTNEY out the door_ _and slams it shut_.

NEIL: You know, I didn't believe you at first when you told me why Chris quit. But after witnessing that, there's no doubt in my mind.

JOHN: Thank you! Now will you tell Chris?

NEIL: He won't talk to me. I've tried calling him like 30 times but he won't return my calls.

JOHN: Perfect. Just fucking perfect. The biggest show of our career is in 2 weeks, and we don't have a bass player.

NEIL: Well we still have one more audition today. Maybe he'll be good.

JOHN: Even if he's amazing, we only have 2 weeks to practice with him.

NEIL: It'll be hard, but not impossible!

JOHN: Forget it. We're finished. I'm going home.

_JOHN crosses to the SL door to leave, but NEIL blocks his way_.

JOHN: Get out of my way, Neil.

NEIL: No! I'm not letting you walk out on this. Do you remember the promise we made when we formed the band?

JOHN: Yeah but-

NEIL: But nothing! We promised each other we'd get signed, no matter what. This show is our chance to get signed, and I'm not letting you turn your back on it. The next auditioner will be here soon. I refuse to let you leave until you at least give him a fair chance.

JOHN: You can be a real prick sometimes, you know that?

NEIL: I'd rather be a prick than a quitter.

JOHN: Fine. But if the next auditioner sucks, I'm leaving.

NEIL: I wouldn't expect anything less.

JOHN: What's the next guy's name anyway?

NEIL: On the phone, he said his name was Spider.

JOHN: (laughing) Spider? Seriously?

NEIL: Apparently. (A knock is heard at the door) That must be him. Can you let him in?

_JOHN crosses to the SL door and opens it. Enter SPIDER._

JOHN: You must be Spider. I'm John.

_JOHN holds his hand out for a handshake. SPIDER reaches into his pocket, puts on a surgical glove, then shakes JOHN's hand_.

SPIDER: Sorry about the glove. Handshakes are one of the easiest ways to spread germs.

JOHN: I see...

SPIDER: Germs are everywhere, man. And they're tiny, so they'll sneak up on you if you're not careful. That's why I always carry disinfectant. (pats his pocket). Want some?

JOHN: No thanks.

SPIDER: Suit yourself. Do you mind if I use the bathroom before we start?

JOHN: Go ahead, it's just through that door.

_JOHN points to the SR door. SPIDER exits, but his muttering can be heard from offstage_.

JOHN: (stage whisper) This guy is the textbook definition of sketchy. Did you see the surgical gloves?

NEIL: (stage whisper) Forget the gloves, look at his arms. He's got needle marks that you can see from space! Let's get this audition over with as quickly as possible. I want this guy out of my house.

JOHN: (listening to Spider muttering) What the hell is he doing in there?

NEIL: I don't know, I don't want to know.

_Enter Spider_ from SR

SPIDER: Sorry that took so long. I had to disinfect your bedet.

NEIL: I don't have a bedet...

SPIDER: Oh. Then I guess I disinfected your sink.

NEIL: Great.

JOHN: So Spider, how about you show us your chops?

SPIDER: If you really want. (begins unbuckling his belt)

JOHN: No! Let me rephrase that. Show us your bass-playing abilities.

SPIDER: Oh, gotcha!

_SPIDER picks up his bass, and plays a skillful solo in the style of Victor Wooten_. _After the solo, there is a long pause. JOHN and NEIL exchange looks_.

JOHN: Welcome to the band!

END SCENE

_The night of the Battle of the Bands. JOHN and NEIL are waiting for SPIDER to show up._

JOHN: Where the hell is Spider? He was supposed to be here an hour ago! This is what we get for trusting a junkie.

NEIL: He better get here soon. If he takes much longer, we'll miss our set.

_Enter SPIDER. He is visibly strung out and scratching himself frantically. His clothing is slightly burned, and his face is covered in ash._

JOHN: Spider! Where the hell have you been?

SPIDER: The germs, man. They took over my house.

JOHN: They took over your house?

SPIDER: Yeah. I ran out of disinfectant and didn't have any money for more. Without disinfectant to keep me safe, they took over! Took over! But don't worry. They're gone now.

NEIL: They're all gone?

SPIDER: All gone. I killed them. When disinfectant doesn't work, fire does. Fire cleanses all!

NEIL: Great. We have a show in an hour, and our bass player just committed arson.

SPIDER: All dead! But then on my way over here, I tripped and skinned my knee. The germs from the ground got into my blood! They got into my blood. They're making it burn!

JOHN: Well as long as you're here. Let's get going. We have a show to play.

SPIDER: No way man. No way. My blood burns. It burns!

JOHN: Listen, Spider. There are going to be scouts from Sonic Cucumber Records at this show. Do you understand me? Sonic fucking Cucumber. This could be our big break. If you don't play, you're out of the band.

SPIDER: (ignoring him completely) So itchy! So itchy!

JOHN: That's it, get out.

_SPIDER exits, still mumbling about his itchy blood._ _JOHN slams the door, then sits on his amp, his head in his hands._

JOHN: It's all over. We're finished. The biggest show of our lives. Scouts from Sonic Cucumber. We could've gotten signed tonight. Our career, ruined by a lying skank and an unreliable junkie.

NEIL: Don't worry, John. We'll have another chance eventually.

JOHN: No we won't! Not without Chris. Don't you see? (_Enter CHRIS, who is not noticed by NEIL and JOHN)_ Chris was like our brother. He wanted to succeed just as much as we did. Sure, we fought at times, but it was only because we wanted what was best for the band. I just wish he would listen to us so he'd know the truth with what happened with Courtney.

CHRIS: I already do.

JOHN: (jumping to his feet) Chris! I never thought we'd see you again.

CHRIS: I didn't think so either. Courtney's a pretty good liar. She told me you forced yourself on her.

JOHN: She what!? That bitch!

CHRIS: Tell me about it. I would've believed it for the rest of my life if I didn't catch her in bed with another guy last night.

JOHN: No way! Any idea who?

CHRIS: No, turns out that Courtney was into some freaky stuff. The guy was wearing a leather mask. And surgical gloves.

JOHN: Unreal!

CHRIS: Yeah. But what matters is that that slut is out of my life forever. Now unless I'm severely mistaken, we have a show to play.

JOHN: But we haven't practiced together in 2 weeks.

CHRIS: Just because we haven't practiced together doesn't mean we haven't practiced. I missed you guys. I found myself rehearsing the bass lines whenever I got the chance.

JOHN: Well if you're ready then let's not waste any more time here!

_They all exit_.

END SCENE

SCENE 5

_The day after the show. The band is packing up their gear_.

NEIL: First place!

CHRIS: A standing ovation!

JOHN: I still can't believe that girl threw her panties at you, Chris! You still got them?

CHRIS: You bet. I think they should go on the wall of our new rehearsal space. Something to remind us of the show that got us our record deal.

JOHN: Did you get the girl's number?

CHRIS: She wrote them on the panties!

JOHN: Awesome!

_JOHN and CHRIS high five_. _Enter COURTNEY_.

COURTNEY: Hello boys.

CHRIS: What do you want, Courtney?

COURTNEY: I just wanted to wish you guys good luck with Sonic Cucumber.

CHRIS: Sure you did. What do you really want?

COURTNEY: Really, that's all I wanted..

CHRIS: Yeah, right.

COURTNEY: My new boyfriend wanted to wish you good luck too.

CHRIS: There we go! You wanted to show off your new guy. Bring him in, I could use a laugh.

COURTNEY: Fine. (leans out the SL door) Honey, you can come in now! (Enter Spider) This is Spider.

JOHN: We've met. Spider, how's the burning blood?

SPIDER: Much better, thanks!

COURTNEY: (turns to Spider) Itchy blood?

SPIDER: Yeah, it's a long story.

COURTNEY: I've got time.

CHRIS: Not here. Please leave.

COURTNEY: Fine!

_COURTNEY and SPIDER exit. Pause._

NEIL: Wait, if Spider doesn't like germs, why's he dating Courtney?

_They all laugh. Curtain._

FIN


End file.
